- Your Lipstick..His Collar......-

- Numb -

Wed, 06 Apr 2005 01:28:57 GMT

Do you ever feel numb. Just completely numb with anything you do. Your not happy or sad, just numb. You don't know what you feel, so you sit there trying to feel something you remember you once felt about someone or something, trying to hold on to that feeling as long as you can until you lose reach of it. So you walk down the halls, sit in your room, or drive down the road trying to remember, trying to feel, trying to remember, but you can't, you're frozen and you can't escape it.

- Working Girl -

Wed, 06 Apr 2005 01:28:18 GMT

Tonight I have to go back to work, it's been so long. Considering I took off three weekends before my vacation to spend time with Anthony. So we will see how this goes, I bet there are a ton of new people. I just know I'm gonna get all this attention when I go and I'm not in the mood for attention, I can really careless about it actually. Hopefuly today I can get the things I need to get done before I have to work. Jessica is having a fondu party and I have been trying to call her back to let her know I can't make it, but oh well, I'l try again today. Yeah well today is the first of the month and considering my start of the new year didn't go very good even though I thought it was, maybe it did start off good and now it's alittle rocky. But yeah let's just say it's "rocky" right now and hopefully this month won't be the same as last month. It's a fresh new start. This entry really has no purpose, just an update and a prayer that I hope this month goes by smoothly and fate doesn't bring me down. Maybe it's not so much fate, but more of my decisions that twist fate around in the wrong direction. Or it could be the right direction and I'm cursed. Either way, I just hope this month, next month, this summer...all goes well.

- As Hollow As A Drum-

Wed, 06 Apr 2005 01:27:15 GMT

Love? What is it? What serves it's purpose? Why do people fall in and out of it? Why does it exist? Why do people say " you haven't experienced life until you have experienced love, " why do they say that, when in the end all you end up doing is getting hurt? Why is the timing always off? Why don't people mean what they say? Why don't people say the things they should? Why do the people you love end up leaving you? I'm sick of taking chances on people and on my emotions. Even though my intuition is telling me not to, I take the jump anyways because I think it's worth it. But I've come to the conclusion that it's not anymore. I know a guy, a great guy, a guy that made my knees weak, made me loose my breath when i was near him, and made my heart beat faster than the rhythm of a drum all in one month. I have known this guy longer than a month and it never crossed my mind that he would have the kind of effect on me like he had certainly did. I'm empty without him..I feel as hollow a drum. I feel trapped, he put me in this trap...no he didn't put me there...I put myself there and now I feel like I'm never going to get out. As if I had fallen into the darkness and I can't find the light. I don't like feeling this pain, it hurts to much. I want to be happy again. I want him out of my mind and out of my heart. When he's not with me I fall in this deep state of depression, but when I hear the sound of his voice or feel the touch of his hand my eyes light up and that pain is wiped away from my body and I feel alive. He's the only guy that makes me feel weak and strong at the same time, the only guy that can make me happy and sad at the same time. The only one I can love and hate at the same time. I love him with all my heart and I hate that I do because the love I have for him is so strong it hurts and I don't want to hurt anymore....

Fri, 28 Jan 2005 03:47:30 GMT

I was bored, even though I have reading to do and decided to take some quizzes for the heck of it...here are some results:
Take the quiz: "What High School Stereotype Are You?"

Normal
You're normal. You don't quite fit into a label, you just are.Congratulations on being boring and plain.
Take the quiz: "What Type of Flirt are You?"

Silly Flirt
So, did you hear the one about the funny flirt? You probably have, because it's you! Being a Silly Flirt, you know that laughter is often the quickest way to someone's heart. Your conversations with potentials are always peppered with the latest jokes and catchphrases, and you'll do anything including humiliating yourself to get the object of your affection to crack a smile. Just make sure that your quest for yuks doesn't blind you to other flirting approaches. You don't want to be stuck in pal purgatory. Sometimes a soft brush on the arm or a lingering look wins more points than even the funniest story. We're not saying you need to jum
Take the quiz: "What piercing are you?"

Lip
You're not one of the popular kids, but who cares? you like it that way. you would rather die than be part of their crowd. you may doubt yourself at times but you know you're cool!
Take the quiz: "What Colour Is Ur Love Life??"

passionate purple
u LOVE love and getting swept off ur feet! for u, life rite now is about sampling many flavours. but u might be passing up a great guy without knowing it. ask friends for outside opinions on ur love life if u need sum perspective about mr. right Vs. mr. right NOW. they'll help u know wen to get serious.
Take the quiz: "What Disney Princess Are You?"

Ariel
You can swim, flip, dive and be one with fish...WHY DO YOU WANT MORE?
Take the quiz: "Which God or Goddess are you?"

God of Darkness
Seductive and, whether it's ture or not, HOT! You don't mind using what you got to take advantage of people, and you know you got it. You don't care what people think of you and wear your sexual orientation on your sleeve. You are the second piece to the ultimate divine being, combining darkeness with light makes the world live.
Take the quiz: "Why do you cry?"

Your afraid of rejection
You afraid of what people might think of you, they might think you nothing but trash, or your just gonna end up on the streets when u get out of high school. You afradi to be diffrent from other people, and try something new.
Take the quiz: "What clothing store are you?"

Abercrombie & Fitch
You cute and fashionable..your not afraid to splurge if it means you gonna look hott!
Take the quiz: "Are you naughty or nice?"

Your naughty......once and a while.
Your fun, and lively, but know how to controll tourself. You've done some bad things, but hey! We can forgive you, right?
Take the quiz: "What Type of Alcohol do you resemble?"

Mixed Drinks
You are Party Drinks! You're crazy in other words. You like to go out drinking with friends to parties, bars, or clubs, and seldom drink alone. You like to try all sorts fancy and exotic drinks, which is probably why you end up so drunk. You like to be part of the crowd and to have a drink in your hand. You're not TOO much hassle to take care of and you're fun to be around. Yay for you!
Take the quiz: "what type of random are you?"

real randomness!
you have mastered the art of randomness! you only say truley random thing and not just to make your friends llaugh but because you can

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 03:39:14 GMT

It was so unexpected..yet deep down I knew it was coming. I am so confused and lost right now it's unbelievable. Apart of me thinks I am in love. Yes I said it....in love. I bet you would never think those words would come out of my mouth, right? It's so hard to explain. I think you realize how much you truly love someone when you know you are going to loose them and lets just say I'm going to loose someone I love so unconditionally. Yes, this little scenerio can be because 1. I could be emotional 2. just got over once a month routine 3. stressed....etc. I guess it could be alot of things, but just these past few days...I got to know a person...a person I've known for so long, yet I haven't. There is the mystery behind him and maybe it could be my curiousity. I've loved this person forever, yet kept it a secret. Some things are just better left unsaid, but I don't know how I'm going to let him go. I don't want to, I never want to let him go and the worst thing is I won't be there. I won't be there when he leaves...when he's gone. I'll be stranded in the middle of the ocean on some boat. On second thought, I don't know how I'm feeling or what I'm feeling. I just know I'm feeling alot at once and I don't know what to make of it......

Sun, 23 Jan 2005 13:36:53 GMT

I was really bored and took a bunch of quizzes:

Hey guys I took this quiz on "Which Classic Pin Up Are You" and this is my result...i guess....I'm " Brigitte Bardot" Though I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

Take the quiz: "What Kinda Kiss R U?"

Romantic Kiss
Lying in bed after making love and just doing whatever. Take the quiz: "What kind of eyes do you have?"

Scared
Your eyes are scared. Your eyes are scared of pain, or rejection. You know how much it hurts to lose someone u cared for, but in return they dumped you like a sack of potatoes! Someday you will find your special friend, or lover, so dont stay hidden too much. You have also seen much misery when it comes to guy too, so you pefer to keep it safe, and keep your heart locked up from everyone guy that seems to be interested. You dont wanna go through anymore pain.... Take the quiz: "Which Care Bear are you?"

Tender Heart Bear
Tender Heart Bear is your bear. When it comes to your friends you always lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on and have open arms for anyone that needs a simple hug. when it comes to who are you at school you are constaly surrounded by people that love you!! But sometimes you are sad and don't always let people comfort you as you do them maybe you should try to open up for them as they do for you!!

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 03:00:35 GMT

When I first found out, it was hard to believe....how could I have been so blind? Not to notice that about a former classmate. The fact that she walks through the halls with the look of guilt in her eyes. Seven months...seven months.....seven months pregnant. Whether it is a stupid rumor or not, how can a fifteen year old girl be capable of doing such a thing? How can you just give yourself to someone at such a young age and be ready for it all at the same time. It is scarey to think about it. The scarey thing is because of her stupid and terrible mistakes she has a child growing inside of her, when she's still a child herself. Doesn't she realize that....that she's a child? That we all are, no matter how stubborn and big headed we are. When we are young we think we can take on the world, that anything we come across we can handle. I'm sure she thought that, or she just didn't think at all. We are so eager to be adults so quick because we want to enjoy the luxurious things they have so fast we forget....we forget how old we really are and because we are that age there are certain ways we have to act. I'm scared for this girl and at the same time I'm not....at the same time I'm bitter about her, about her decision. How could she not have enough sense? She has her whole life to have sex and she had to choose now? Why? Why, when it's so risky, not that her whole life it wouldn't be risky, but at fifteen. Now her life is ruined. Unless she hurts herself, the baby, or gives it up for adoption....but doing any of those things...she will have to live with that sin and guilt her whole life. Every mother she sees, every child...that guilt will live heavily upon her chest. I guess I just view it in a different way. Having sex...that's a scarey thing for me, I'm petrified. Sometimes I'm not though, sometimes I think I can do it and I would be fine. Then I think, I mean I really think about it and my stomach starts to hurt and my heart starts to race. It's such a scarey thing and you have to be ready for it. I think it's such a special, personal thing between two people. That it's has such an emotional affect on you, having somebody else inside of you, having somebody else see you completely bare....I hate looking at myself in the mirror sometimes, let alone have somebody else staring me down. Somebody who can be creating a child with you and you don't even know it, it just happens..unexpected. Don't you want to do that with someone you love, I mean you really love? Someone you think you are going to have a future with. I mean really, people in high school think they are in love all the time...mostly the girls. High school girls are the dumbest girls alive, I swear I admit, I can be pretty stupid sometimes. But they all think they are in love, that they meet a guy and it's love. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure some people fall in love in high school, but it's not likely. LOVE - love is about time, patience, sacrifice, trust, hope, faith....it's not about a make out session here or there, flowers, candy, someone saying " i love you." It's not about that. It's not about what you say, it's about what you do....those big gestures you make. People throw those three words around like juggling three balls. It's ridiculious. I don't even know if people know what love is anymore, it's so rare to find now and I'm to afraid to look. But then again, I'm to young to be looking for love. I just hate the mistakes girls make, it almost feels like they are letting me down because I'm a girl myself. All these years men have overpowered us and now we are coming back. We are growing strong and when girls do shit like this, I feel weak...I feel the whole idea of a woman is weak. That when we stand up, we are just getting pushed back down......

- When Life Closes A Door, It Opens A Window....NOT-

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 02:38:00 GMT

December 25th was a very interesting day for me, I did a lot of thinking, but then again when don't I? I found out alot of different things that I still don't know whether are good or bad for right now or in the near future. Not only that.....I noticed something...yes I have noticed it before like I'm sure you all have, but this saying " when life closes a door, it opens a window" is such a controversal quote. I mean when everything is going comletely good for someone, where nothing can get any better...they loose it all....just like that. In a blink of an eye. Why is that? Why can't people be happy. Why is it when they are, it isn't for very long and they are totally oblivious by it and think this happiness is going to last forever? Evil is tricky...right when you think you know what it is, it changes its form. Then again so does everything...evil, love, life, people. Or what about people who have doors who have shut in their lives and it is to much to handle that they shelter themselves from having true happiness again? I mean it's only natural, if I lost something or someone who meant the world to me....that I gave my heart to I wouldn't be able to handle that....atleast I don't think I would. I don't know if I believe in that saying or not. Apart of me does and apart of me doesn't. Yes, I am one who believes in "everything happens for a reason" but why? I don't even know if I want to think that way anymore...why....I don't know why.

- Nothing's Ever Good Enough -

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 02:36:46 GMT

Today was horrible. I was woken up at 8:30 am and told I was getting picked up to do a 4H thing ( yes I am in 4H, and yes I am a nerd). So Erika picked me up and we went to her house to meet everyone else and bake cookies for the McHenry Nursing Home. It wasn't so great we were baking from 10-3 all day...it was bad, but then again we had fun. I couldn't resist the temptation to have a flour fight, so that went nicely, but not the cleaning. I wasn't aware that this thing was gonna go all day so when I got home to get ready for swimming my parents refused to take me. Yeah, I know...your probably thinking...what's their deal? Believe me I thought the same thing. I guess they were pissed because I was gone all day for this 4H thing and that I wasn't home to decorate and do all that other crap. Therefore, I was put on house arrest and could not go to swimming. There was yelling, throwing, tears....etc. I'm sick of this shit, I never come first in anything...only when it's convenient for them am I able to do something. They probably just didn't want to drive me, I hate them sometimes. But there's nothing I can do now, swim practice is over. Why did they bother paying for it? I mean seriously...I haven't been there in over a month because of them and it's fucking ridiculous. I can't wait to get the hell out of here......

P.S. Sorry Denise. I miss you and love you so much and I want to see you so bad..and I want to swim! Parents are so overrated.

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 02:35:19 GMT

Today was Bobby's birthday, he is now 14. It is weird to think that now, that in a year he will be my age and in a few months I'll be driving. He's getting so much older and it's weird to think that because you always think of your younger siblings always staying younger. I don't want to think of him growing up...well in some ways I do. Though I felt bad because a majority of my family is sick right now, so not everyone made it to his family get together bday party. Basically who showed up were me, dad, Tony, Carla, Aunt Sylvia, Uncle Don, Aunty B, GiGi, and Sol. We had fun and I found out alot more about my family that I didn't know about. That's one of the reasons why I love family get togethers. They start talking about the past and then....it brings back memories or things that you never knew before. So lets just say I found out some new stuff and was reminded of good memories that brought back laughs and teary eyes. All in all it was fun and I was happy and even though a majority of our family is infected Bobby had a good time.

P.S. Before Tony drove me home Dean came in with Janus ( the chick who looks like a man) and it's funny how he came in with her and couldn't help but stare at me the whole time. I don't even think he's cute anymore even...I don't know. I lost alot of respect for him after this encounter with the woMAN.

- What A Relief -

Sun, 19 Dec 2004 16:42:36 GMT

Today was my last day of finals...whoa! I had geometry and psychology, geometry wasn't that bad actually....I think I did pretty good. Not only that, this morning I was at my locker talking to some people and I was totally out of it and then someone tapped me on my shoulder. Who was it? It was Anthony. I was so shocked. He was like " can we talk" and I was like sure and we started walking down the hall. I'm not going to go into detail, but lets just say he read the letter and I am so relieved. I am so relieved that we got all this stupid drama out of the way and that we are friends again. I love him so much and I'm glad he finally knows that. Not to much more has been going on besides that. I have alot of chores and decorating to do for christmas and sunday is bobby's birthday and monday is the christmas party and Tuesday I can swim again!!! I'm pretty excited. I also have spent 185 dollars on christmas presents and I'm not even done! That's crazy, I've never spent that much money on people before, let alone myself. Oh well. That was four of my paychecks and the one I get tomorrow is towards presents. My goodness. Work was pretty ok today, I had fun as usual. Nothing to exciting happen....well yeah it did, but I'm tired of typing right now......

" ask me a queston" - Brandon Barber

Thu, 16 Dec 2004 18:43:30 GMT

Ask me a question? When people ask you this, my guess is they are looking for something specific for you to ask. Though what is it? Isn’t this question somewhat unfair? When all your doing is trying to please this person and your heart is racing, though you don’t have an answer, you don’t know what they want. So shouldn’t that be the question, What do you want? Shouldn’t it? Brandon asks me this question, every time we talk and I dread it. I’m so scared and so afraid of disappointing him, but why? Why are I afraid of disappointing him? This is a question I do not have an answer for. The feelings I have had for him in the past have died down. So now yes, we are simply just friends, nothing more. So why do I feel the way I do? Why am I scared to respond or worried, I have no reason to be, right? What does he want from me? What does he want me to say? What is he looking for? Sometimes I feel as if that question is some kind of test for me. What kind of test, I do not know. A test that judges if I pass something or not. Passing to be a friend, or a lover for that matter. Though I have come to the conclusion Brandon and I will be nothing more than just friends. I realized this last year, believe me I strived for something more so hard and I really truly thought it was going to happen. But we have such a strong bond or we had such a strong bond that he was afraid to break that and I part of me thinks I was too. I wasn’t the ultimate girl for him, or the girl he wanted. That’s fine, I’m fine with that, we are meant to be friends and I’m glad we have that, our friendship. This question he asks is a mystery to me. I know there is a story behind it, usually every question has one, the question is what is it? What is he hiding? Or what does he want me to find?

P.S. Today I had my English 2H final which was pretty easy, I just didn't understand the roots...I forgot and my chemistry final ::grrr:: which I probaby didn't do so good on. 4 more days until I can swim again!!!!

- I love you....not? -

Wed, 15 Dec 2004 03:24:28 GMT

I still haven't had the guts to give my letter to Anthony. Every time I see him and I have the confidence to go up to him and give it to him I freeze and forget about it or it just isn't the right time and I haven't caught him alone. I need to let him know how I feel and how he hurt me. I just don't want us to fight anymore, he's one of my best friend's and I hate the way things are going right now. Especially because I only have a short time with him before he moves all the way across the country, I don't know what I want or what I should do. Should I give him the letter? Does he deserve the letter? I don't know, I don't know if I should initiate anything, but I know he won't because that's how he is, he'll wait for me to come to him. And I hate it. Besides that problem finals start tomorrow and I'm flipping out. I have so much to study for and next week is winter break and I'll be able to go to swimming and see everyone! My coach probably hates me, but my parents had me on house arrest, so it's not like I was able to go anywhere until my geometry grade was up. Wow, I can't wait.....I miss swimming so much, it's an obsession.....

- Does Anybody Hear Me?! -

Thu, 09 Dec 2004 23:45:00 GMT

Today hasn't been a very good day. It all started off before first hour. Sometimes you know who your friends are and even if your friendship is alittle rocky you still stick with them even though they are confused about their priorities right now. This was the last straw, and I told I friend how I felt. Now I am still debating whether I ever want to talk to him again. That's besides the point, I felt like crap and went to the doctor, I guess the verdict is I have STREP THROAT! Yes, STREP THROAT! I am simply online because I can't stand staying in bed all day, even though I know I should. They gave me a perscription that knocked me out and hasn't helped me what so ever. I will not be making it to school tomorrow and next week is FINALS WEEK! Oh my god, why did this have to happen the week before? Nothing ever goes right for me! Ever! I'm so sick of it, I'm so sick of not having things go my way, and things turning out the way I want them. I can't afford to fail any of my finals. And with this sickness, if I don't get better soon, I will! I can't cram it all in that week.

- Giving In....-

Tue, 07 Dec 2004 23:59:10 GMT

I did something today that I did not think I had the courage to do or that I did not think I want to do. I gave in to something that I'm not sure I should have or not, but I'll come to the conclusion with that tomorrow morning. I talked to Brandon. I couldn't take it anymore, I need the truth. So I IMed him and it went alright. Tomorrow morning before school we are going to talk things out and hopefully we will come to a conclusion. Wow, I need to go see Ms. Leber. I don't know if I made the right decision to start talking to him. I made a promise to myself that I would wait for him to approach me and be like " Tab, we need to talk, I miss you" and then he would just break down and tell me everything, but he never did. And I knew he wouldn't. That was the vision I daydreamed about and wished would come true, but we both know he would never do that for me....I would always end up doing it to him, just like I did tonight.....I feel sometiems that I don't have friends that care about me that much to try to work things out with me, that it is always me trying to resolve things. It doesn't feel like I'm loved by anybody.....

- When the Fun Dies Down ...-

Tue, 07 Dec 2004 23:58:17 GMT

Last night, wasn't as good as Friday. It started to get really busy around 6 o' clock and it didn't stop. Everything was chaos and it didn't stop there. Erika tried to start a tag game and it was going for alittle bit, but then everyone was really busy and didn't have time to play. Kyle was working today and we got him in on the game, it was so funny, he's such a dork. Not much went on though. Until the end of the night, oh my goodness it was so disgusting. Okay Chuck ( one of the waiters) has a sister named Janus and well lets just say she looks exactly like Chuck, but more masculine. Anyways, I guess Dean is dating her now and they were kissing at the bar and it was so gross, I seriously thought I was going to vomit. ::cringe:: I don't want to think about it. Other than that not much went on at all. I didn't get to see Lisa today, but I will next weekend, I miss her so much and I can't wait to see her. Anways, I've got a shit load of homework to get done so adios.

P.S. Denise I love your room, I saw the pics on your xanga. It's sweet.

- Tag....YOUR IT! -

Tue, 07 Dec 2004 23:57:32 GMT

Yesterday was so fun. School was...well...you know...school. I was kinda depressed throughout the day, though geometry gave me some what of a boost because I'm not failing anymore. Thank god. But I still need to bring it up alittle more before I'm able to do anything. Work on the other hand was so much fun, it put me in a fairly good mood. When Erika and I got to work we were just being stupid and messing around and then I got a phone call, Erika was like guess who it is and I was like Lisa and I was right. Well I guess Lisa moved back to Fox Lake and I'm so excited! When she told me I just wanted to scream, though I had to hold it back. I miss her so much and now I can see her whenever I want. Oh my goodness I'm so excited. Anyways, then we started playing tag. I tagged Erika and was like " tag, your it, no tag backs" so she got C.C. and we honestly thought a woman being the age as C.C. is wouldn't play along. Well she did and she got Dean, it was so funny. So the whole wait staff, bus, bartenders, and us were playing tag and everyone played along it was so funny. Then Dean and I were fighting and pushing each other around and I kept calling him a biotch. I would push him and be like " hey bee-yotch." It was so funny, you had to be there. Dean was in such a good mood and I loved it. I've never seen him in that good of a mood before and it was awesome. Everyone was actually in a good mood. It was great. Then ERika had to leave and Stan ( her brother) came to get him and I was in such a hyper mood that I started torchering him and it was so funny. I kept tickling him and everything and Stan has a short temper and it was hilarious. Again, you had to be there. Well we'll see what tonight brings, hopefully it is just as good as last night.......

- A Reflection of an Outkast...-

Tue, 07 Dec 2004 23:56:53 GMT

Things have been so crazy lately, this whole week has been crazy. I have been loosing people left and right, mainly friends. boy-friends. I can make a whole list and for some reason it seems like there are no strings attached keeping our frienships together. I just want to call them all up and say sorry, but what am I saying sorry for? I have done nothing wrong. And even the people I have a reason for not talking to I still feel I owe them an apology when really, they owe me one. I just want to give in and forget everything, but apart of me says I can't and I have to put my foot down. I feel like a total outkast, even though I am not. I have plenty of wonderful friends, but I don't understand why I'm feeling this way or why all these people are parting from me. Right now I their are mainly six boys who I have lost through my dramatic time of high school and I hate that because of love them and their company..........

P.S. And it doesn't help that I still can't swim. Swimming would help me take out some of this frustration. Right now I'm too frustrated with a little thing called GEOMETRY!

- Thanksgiving Weekend -

Tue, 07 Dec 2004 23:56:07 GMT

This weekend was very interesting, actually comforting. Wednesday I basically stayed home and cleaned the house. Then on Thanksgiving I had to work for a few hours, which was absolutely boring and then we had Thanksgiving dinner, which was awesome. I hadn't eaten anything all day because I was looking forward to our feast. lol. It was great, I like when the family comes together we just ate and had lots of laughs. Then Carla stayed until Saturday. After dinner we went to Blockbuster and bought some movies such as Elf, Pretty in Pink, 13 Going on 30, Farenheit 9/11, and we rented Sleepover. On Friday we woke up and ate, showered etc, and then Carla and I shopped all day in McHenry. It was fun spending the day together and catching up considering we haven't hung out in a while. Then Saturday she left and I had to work. Work wasn't so interesting, not like it usually is. So yeah, that was my weekend and I probably gained God knows how many pounds. lol. Hopefully this week I'll be able to swim Geometry is a killer. God, why can't I get it!

Mind Bottling Change

Thu, 25 Nov 2004 02:11:35 GMT

I don't know what's been wrong with me lately. Different thoughts have been going through my head that I have never thought before. Even the way I have been acting, I don't like it, but I can't help it, it's how I feel. I don't know whether I hate it or not though, that's the problem. Not even that, even other people's actions have changed and I don't know how to react to them. It's so weird and I don't know whether to give in to them and take it or stand still. I don't know and it's all confusing to me, hopefully this doesn't confuse you and if it does don't worry it confuses me too.

"You're not one to wear your heart on your sleeve, but it's time to open up a bit. That special someone may have no clue that you're into him. Make an effort to be more expressive over the next few weeks. You'll be handsomely rewarded for taking the risk!"

That's my horoscope for today above. I don't know if I am capable of actually doing this. I don't express my feeling and I don't intend too. I don't look for a shoulder to cry on usually I'm the one offering a dry shoulder. Plus who is the "special someone.?" I think I'm giving up on astrology, I don't know why I like it so much. But I think I'm just about finished with it. I'm sick of it. Don't ask me why....again I don't know........

- When Drama Takes Over...Everything-

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 00:28:17 GMT

I hate how situations and emotions make people change. It drives me insane how girls and boys can make each other the center of their lives. It drives me insane, literally. Sometimes you think you know how someone is, until they let the worst take over them. It's ridiculous and I get irritated by the whole thing. People let other people get the best of them, or forget about the people who are really there. They take what they have for granted because one thing is going bad in their life. It's not like they don't have food, or clothes on their back, or a warm place to sleep. They have all of that and people who care about them dearly. Though they take it for granted like it's nothing and they let a stupid dramatic situation be the center of their world and they go on and on about it. And sometimes it's as if they act as they do for attention, but it just is really annoying. I'm sick of it, not only that, they take me for granted. I hate the way I am and how I'm always concerned and there for people. Because after a while, they take advantage of that and always think I'm going to be there, or they get annoyed by it. I hate the way I am and I hate the way they are.......

- A Rotten Apple, That Didn't Make It To The Orchard -

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 00:26:35 GMT

Yesterday, we all celebrated Anthony's birthday, and it was perfect. Everything went as planned, I was so happy. Except Nick didn't show up. Instead he decided to go to the movies with Alicia Hoffman. Which was pretty horrible, because he actually had the balls to call Anthony up and tell him he wasn't going to make it because he was going to the movies and actually invited Anthony to come along with them. Now how horrible is that? Stephanie and I went through so much trouble to throw this gathering and make it perfect, but God forbid all the attention was drawn away from Nick for a brief second. I love Nick to death, but I simply hate the way he is sometimes. And you were able to tell that it hurt Anthony because of the fact Nick wasn't there, it was Anthony's last birthday all six of us would be together and he decided to ditch us because he is a complete ass hole. And right now I'm disgusted with him, I don't know any other way to describe it. I never would have thought him out of all people would miss this event. But in the end we forgot about Nick and the five of us had a great time and I wouldn't trade it in for the world. I love Anthony so much and I wanted everything to be perfect for him and hopefully it was, atleast it seemed like it was. Tons of pictures were taken, laughs were heard, and memories were formed to remember in the future. And I wouldn't trade that moment yesterday for anything......

- Cherish Each Day You Have With Someone-

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 00:24:55 GMT

Life is so crazy and this year isn't going very great. Yes, great memories have formed that I wouldn't take back for the world. One of my best friends in the whole entire world is moving all the way across the country to Connecticut and obviously I'm not taking it very well. I didn't realize he was actually moving until last week, and I tried to avoid the fact it was true and really happening. But last week, I lost it and broke down. We weren't very close at first, but our friendship grew and I don't know how I'm going to let him go, everytime I look at him I just want to start crying because I don't want to lose him, I love him that much. You never cherish the people in your life until their gone. You never truely know how much someone means to you or how much you love them until your gone. And I know after he's gone, nothing is ever going to be the same. Our main "click" that consists of six, will now remain at five and it's going to be horrible. People are leaving me left and right and I just don't know how to handle it anymore. High school is a painful experience, but I guess everyone has to go through it, I just feel like I'm not ready for the change. Basically that's what high school is, is "change." Change is what causes drama, and most of all of the above that goes on. People change and leave you, stab you in the back, etc. I love Anthony with all my heart and I don't think he knows how much I really love him and care for him. It's hard for me to express myself sometimes. It's to hard for me to let people go and I'm not ready to let him go, even though the deadline is almost here and I'm going to have to no matter how tight I hold onto him......Cherish each and every day you have with a loved one, because you never know when you're going to wake up one morning and they're gone....

- Watch Your Back -

Mon, 18 Oct 2004 23:47:32 GMT

I hate how people are, how you don't know who's your friend and who isn't. You never find out the evil inside them until later and when you do, you try to convince yourself it isn't there and still remain their friend because that's the kind of person you are. But I'm sick of it. I'm sick of seeing people get away with things they shouldn't get away with and creating bogus drama for no apparent reason except to start trouble. Though no one questions them on it, they let it go and these people continue to get away with it and cause more and more chaos as the weeks, months, or even years go by. These people like to sit there and watch the drama they created blow up into something big and see relationships in jeopardy, these people get a drive for it. And I simply don't understand why people can have that kind of hate, and meanness inside of them. I don't understand were it comes from, I don't understand how I can associate with these kind of people. I guess I've learned it's an eye for an eye in this world. You can't trust anyone with anything you say because it becomes twisted into words that would never come out of your mouth. The friends that you never thought would stab you right in the back do, but they aren't only stabbing me in the back they're stabbing me in the heart as well......

- Over -

Wed, 13 Oct 2004 23:14:56 GMT

Today has been so crappy, I couldn't wait until it was over. It was just one of those days where I didn't feel like being anywhere except in a dark hole. And the fact that I'm upset with myself physically and mentally isn't making it better. Not only that, but I won't be able to swim all week because of...well...ya know...long story, but it really got me upset, I really wanted to swim today, I needed to swim today. Gggrrr I just can't wait until the week is over, not that I'm looking forward to work this weekend at all, I just want everything to be over.